How to Beat Your Inner Critic For Good

 
You’re in the middle of a crucial conversation at work when a voice hisses in your head, “Don’t screw it up, you moron.”
You look in the mirror and grimace at what you find. “Uh, you look disgusting!”
You lose your temper with your kids and immediately begin to hear, “There you go again. You ruin everything.”

Where did this Inner Critic come from?

I have my struggles with the nasty self-talk that bubbles between my ears. When my Inner Critic became unbearable, I looked for ways to silence the voice.
I haven’t learned to completely stop it, but…

I am happy to report that I have found strategies to tame the beast.

One of the best strategies I’ve learned, that I now routinely practice with my life coaching clients, is to explore where these messages came from. Most often, the Inner Critic came from moments way back in our childhoods. The Inner Critic is trying to protect you, but it uses the words you taught yourself when you didn’t hear the loving words you needed to feel safe.
What are the words you needed to hear then to calm and soothe you? What did you need to know that would have made things right?
To give you an example, let’s explore one common message that plays in my head: “No one understands me. They underestimate me, but I can’t tell them how good I am. That’s prideful. I just can’t win.”
This theme has been in my guts for a long time, but it hasn’t been there forever.
I ask myself when I first remember feeling this. I arrive at a moment in first grade. My family had just moved to a new town, and I knew no one when I started school that year. While I’m naturally loud and adventurous, my pretty teacher did not like loud students. I struggled to make friends, so instead I settled for making the teacher happy.
As I imagine this time of my life, a feeling of stress comes into my chest.  I remember tones of sadness, disappointment, loneliness, and uncertainty. I didn’t know how to make people happy while still being able to be true to my thoughts and feeling. I learned how to play a role, how to pretend I was something I wasn’t, how to hide what I really felt so I wouldn’t cause any problems or worry my parents.
This was the beginning of a pattern that I’ve repeated many times, making due with something I didn’t want because I didn’t know how to get what I did want.
It’s one thing to see your pain. In order to heal it, though, you have to go further. You can go back and replay the memory differently.

Tell yourself the words you needed you hear back then.

I imagine entering the classroom as I am today. I can see the chalkboard and all the perfect desks and billboards.  The children see me and begin talking excitedly to each other.  The teacher walks toward me saying, “Excuse me, but you can’t come into Mrs. Miller’s Room now.  The children have work to do. They must be quiet.”
“Not this one!” I say. “She doesn’t have to be quiet anymore!”
I walk over to my first grade self, and she is beautiful. Her eyes are so bright, and she smiles at me showing a missing front tooth.
I take her little hand and help her get up on the desk so I can look her right in face.
“Leslie, you a great friend. You are fun and silly and wonderful. You are exactly right just the way you are.  Sometimes you like to be quiet, but other times you love to yell and sing and dance. And that’s okay! You are very brave. I admire you and love you. You are special to me!”
She has tears in her eyes because it’s hurt her to bend into a shape that is not her own, but now she hears my words. She hugs me and relaxes in my arms, letting out deep waves of tension in sobs. I hold her until it all is out, and she smiles proudly at me, knowing now who I am.
So now, when I hear the old sour voice telling me I can’t win, I have the new memory to say, “Oh, but I can! It’s okay for me to be me. That’s how I can always win.”
There are words that didn’t come to us as we were growing up, for whatever reason.

Are these the words you need to hear?

• You are precious.
• You can do it.
• It’s ok for you to say, “No.”
• You’ll figure this out.
• You don’t have to do anything to make me proud of you; I already am.
• There’s nothing you can do to make you unlovable.
• Your energy makes me happy.
• Your laughter is beautiful.
• You have never disappointed me.
• You can feel however you feel.
• You have great instincts.
• You are very wise.
• You give great hugs.
• You have a wonderful sense of humor.
• I truly admire you.
• The world would not be complete without you in it.
• Your curiosity is a gift.
• You have the best intentions at heart.
• You are worth it.
• I believe in you.
• No one is more worthy or better than you.
• You are a great friend.
• It’s ok to disagree.
• You make good choices.
• Trust yourself.
• You know more than you think you do.
• You deserve the best.
• Your love heals.
• You are enough.
• You can try everything, but you don’t need to prove anything.
• Even if you really screw up, you’re still are good inside.
• I’ve never doubted you, not even for a second.
• It’s ok for you to be successful.
• You didn’t ruin anything.
• You’ll always land on your feet.
• You have nothing to fear.
• Your life is a gift.
• You make me smile.
• You came at the exact right time.
• You have so many strengths.
• You don’t have to be anything other than you.
• It’s ok for you to be “childish.”
• Your feelings are valid.
• It’s ok for you to think that.
• You can do it your way.
• People enjoy having you around.
• You are a good listener.
• You make a difference.
• I love you exactly as you are.
• It’s ok for you to fail.

You can step into any memory and say the words you needed to hear.

You can scoop up your child-self in your arms, dry the tears, kiss the boo-boos, and say, “I love you. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s ok now.  I’m here.”
If you are a parent, you consciously say these things to your children, even if they are 57 years old. It may feel strange at first if you’re out of practice, like bending over and touching your toes. The more you say these positive phrases, it becomes natural.
Before you know it, there will be a new voice in your head, a loving, happy voice. This is The Truth.
It’s actually always been there, whispering quietly.
By bringing in The Truth, your Inner Critic is silenced because it sees there is no need to protect you anymore.

Ask The Truth to step up, and it will.

It will get louder, happier, bolder. And that Inner Critic won’t stand a chance.